fuck.

Apr. 10th, 2013 10:41 pm
noblescientist: (FFVII)
Well, yes, mother, thank you ever so much for reminding me why I can't generalise by saying my family supports me.

You who read this at all already know that my aunt didn't support me at all, then started to, and now does in every area that does not involve her kid. I may have misunderstood that bit, but I'll get to that in a minute.
What happened earlier, briefly: my little cousin asked the house at large how to spell my name. She still uses my legal name. My aunt sort of giggled, and said, "J... kidding." I said "I wish." So she suggested to my cousin that they start calling me "CJ"-- because my uncle started that, to try and wrap his head around it, and I like the idea (and it's kind of funny, to be honest)-- and my cousin started freaking out. "I don't want to call her that" and all that. Didn't make me feel particularly awesome, but that might've been the reason Auntie was holding back on the whole thing with her daughter.

Anyway.

I tell my mother this, and she tells me I'm taking it personally, she's only six, I can't honestly expect that she'd understand. I tried to explain that  that wasn't the point. I obviously don't expect her to understand; we didn't explain anything, so there's nothing for her to understand.
She continued to repeat those same three things, and that a name is one with the person at that age. I also know a friend of mine in first grade went by three different nicknames in as many months, and I never had a problem keeping up with it. So I asked her, "Seriously, was I not six when I was six?" And she told me that no, I was ten when I was six and gave me evidence that I was mentally almost twice my physical age. Way to take a literal question figuratively.
By this point I was getting frustrated, and I told her I wasn't angry or anything, I was just disappointed. She repeated all the above crap. I just got fed up and said, "okay, look, let me show you part of the reason I'm disappointed." And I pulled out my nook. She proceeded to ignore and walk away from me, so out of frustration, I said "or not."

And then she started on me for getting pissed at her. I wasn't pissed, I was frustrated, and she wasn't listening. Oh yes, and there was beer involved. Naturally.

Incidentally, what I was looking for was this: http://lgbtgivesmehope.tumblr.com/post/46697359299/gay-mo-the-child-i-babysit-sometimes-is-5-years
Quoted from the above tumblr page (which is itself a reblog):

gay-mo:



The child I babysit sometimes is 5 years old. Last time I went to take care of him I noticed he has this awesome painting of the moon in his bedroom. He told me his mothers friend painted it. After he told me the artists name he then explained to me “She used to be a boy but she didn’t feel good so now she just takes medicine and it helps her to be a girl. She feels better”

It’s literally that easy to explain it to kids.


And there are other precedents; there was one tumblr post I read about a child politely correcting a teacher about their uncle's gender (because the teacher, not knowing, called him "miss"). I figured, hey, I've got a really smart little cousin. If these kids that are younger than her have no problem with it, why would she?

But she has an issue with a nickname. This is why I'm disappointed. Obviously I do not hold it against her. She's six. I'm just disappointed.

On the other hand, it would help if, when I talk to my mother, she would listen to what I'm saying, not what she seems to want to hear.
noblescientist: (Charles)
So, I've found out some very ugly things about the person I had thought-- mistakenly-- was my best friend. (This, of course, was after an insult that she may not think she gave me.)

I didn't really explain the initial insult, either. But I'm done caring if she sees.

The aforementioned insult. )
She then made it worse by calling me because she "just wanted to talk", followed closely by "by the way, can you take me to Dartmouth sometime soon so I can get my glasses fixed?" This was about a week and a half ago. So I met her at Empire Tea in Newport, and we stopped at the Mad Hatter bakery right down the street before leaving. She spent the entire time talking about how she was having mental issues with certain things with the boy, which are normal, healthy parts of a relationship. I spent the entire time listening and replying with variations on "that's healthy, you're in a relationship; that's part of being in a relationship", etc.
We went to Dartmouth. She got her glasses fixed. I went into FYE to browse. We went home. She continued talking about the boy. I continued not to talk much, and she didn't notice that I wasn't in a good mood.

If a middle school teacher can tell something's wrong after two minutes, a "best friend" should be able to tell after two hours.

And then she called again, a few days ago, "just [wanting] to talk" and "[needing] to see me", which was quickly followed by "by the way, do you mind picking up [the boy] from work?" I told her I had to talk to my mom about something (which I did) and told her I'd talk to her later. Mum got home kinda late-ish, and by the time I was done thinking about this bullshit, I had a headache, and I refuse to drive with a headache.

Anyway.

I found out today that she also tends to tell different people different stories, and I was never really getting the truth when she'd bitch to me about her boyfriend (now ex, obviously). And, as I suspected-- whether intentionally or not-- she was leading him on, just like this other creep that had a crush on her. (She refused to think that she was taking pity on him OR encouraging him when she went to a family wedding with him. As his date. So either she's clueless or she's a manipulative bitch, but I'm not ready to believe that second one.)

I'm done caring. I can't do this anymore. I don't think I care anymore that she'd be "devastated" to lose me as a friend. I can't handle her shit. She shattered my trust in her, and apparently she never trusted me as much as she said she did either. I'm done.
noblescientist: (Ciel Phantomhive)
Well, I'm glad I didn't get my hopes up.

Counsellor #1 was cool. Seeing her again Tuesday. Sounds like she'll actually help if I can convince her it's not a phase and all that bullshit that I'm sick of having to explain by now.

However.

GameStop interview. Went pretty well, and then suddenly, by the way, you can't have facial piercings.
You can't just ask me to take this out. It was expensive. It's still healing. Not only that, but dammit, I have had to try to save this thing four different fucking times, because I was elbowed in the face, had a hat shoved down over my face, a hood caught on it, AND I had a blister or something on it not more than two weeks ago. FUCK you, I am not taking this thing out. It is a part of who I am, dammit, and NOBODY is taking away one of the only things in my life that I can control.

Counsellor #2. Set me up for psychological testing Thursday. Got a call from a lady counsellor after I left (while I was cutting up broccoli for dinner) and she agreed with my original assessment that it'd be pointless for me to see two counsellors (even if there's a psychologist and a psychiatrist).
This is me not looking forward to Thursday.

There was a reason I was afraid to be optimistic. I hate it when I'm right.

WHAT.

Mar. 20th, 2013 11:11 pm
noblescientist: (corgi)
So tomorrow might actually be a good thing. A couple of times.

I have an appointment with a counsellor that might actually help me start my transition instead of being an ignorant douchenozzle or a disbelieving oppressive twatberry cuntcake like the last two.

Then I have an interview with GameStop. And it's right the hell around the corner, and my best friend worked there until a few days ago, and talked me up to the people that count, and//or, the people that would listen.

And then because my doctor wanted me to see someone else off a specific list, I also have another appointment with a counsellor for my depression. (I'm calling them both counsellors because I always screw up "psychologist" vs "psychiatrist".)

I'm a little afraid to be optimistic.

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