noblescientist: (Default)
What I do not have is an official diagnosis. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I've been looking for something that fits my symptoms for AGES. Recently I found out that what I've been calling "emotional detachment" or "backseat driving in my own head" has a name in psychiatry. (I probably ran across it in my psychology classes at some point and didn't understand it fully.) It's called dissociation.

So I started googling personality disorders with that as a symptom. I figured I was looking for a PD, because I had basically ruled out everything else that made sense. Depression and bipolar disorder didn't fit all my symptoms and most of the rest didn't even make sense.

Ran across BPD, also referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Symptoms include dissociation, inability to control your emotions, feeling like your emotions are in control of you, and as a result of the lack of control, your social interactions would suffer. Impulsivity is a big issue with people with BPD, as is something they call "splitting": basically I experience it as only seeing one side of a person at a time. I'll look at one person in particular-- who shall remain nameless-- and I'll either go "I love them and they're awesome" or I'll go "omg you've done this bad thing you're fucking evil" and I know they're not flawless, I know they're not evil, but I can't see both sides at once. It explains my anger issues, my embarrassing inability to control my reactions when I'm upset or excited or angry, my inability to decide how I feel about myself or what I want to do with my life, my anxiety issues, my occasional depressive states, my absolute terror at the thought of being alone, my pervasive boredom if I don't have something really involved to do, and my urges to self harm (though I've gotten better at managing those).

So I go see my therapist, armed with this information, and basically what happens is once she realises I won't be offended she says "yeah, I have that down as a possibility in your notes from a long time ago."

Unfortunately the insurance won't cover the diagnosis, so I don't have an official diagnosis, so much as a "yeah probably i'm pretty sure this is what you have." I'll have to figure that part out the next time I talk to my therapist, because I was already late getting out of there when she told me that.

But the immediately important part is that I have an explanation and a jumping off point for treatment
.

Update: so I totally misunderstood what my therapist meant when we agreed it was an unofficial diagnosis. It is definitely what I have. We just can't tell insurance that because they will then stop covering my therapy. Because personality disorders are not caused by brain chemistry, insurance apparently thinks it's less valid and stop covering treatment. Even though therapy is literally the only effective treatment for a personality disorder. They know it'll take a while to work through and they don't wanna cover that much. Dickbags.
noblescientist: (Boo the Pom)
You guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys

Problems keep happening with my application to PetCooooooooo D:

First, it was a problem with the age of my first application. Re-submitted, problem solved.

Then it was an e-mail that I didn't get. It was re-sent, problem solved.

Then the e-mail I sent back didn't get to the right place. Gave the store a physical copy. Problem solved (I think).

Now, I was just asked to edit some stuff on the application, and when I logged on to do so, it told me I withdrew it (which I didn't) and it's no longer under consideration (which it should be) and I can't edit it D:

This is really bumming me out, guys. I was supposed to start working a week ago. And I'm getting really depressed. (I'm on a new anti-depressant, this is not helping. I can't tell if it's not working or if this is just fucking me up.)

I wanna start grooming puppies T_T


EDIT: Well, I've just found out that I'm not gonna get any answers for six fucking days. I was supposed to start a week ago, and I was really excited for this, but now I can't start for at least another week? This fucking sucks. So much for a great opportunity dropping itself into my lap. I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to get a job.
noblescientist: (Doctor Who)
So yeah, now that I have no local friends to trust, I've mostly turned into a hermit because I hate going out alone if I'm going more than like four miles. I don't care about driving alone, that's fine. Hell, it's better, because that way I can sing and I don't have to worry about awkward silences if I don't.

It's if I'm going to a mall or something. Or a doctor's office, but I get nervous at doctor's offices with or without someone with me. (It just sucks a little bit less if I've got someone with me.)

But anyway, if I have to go somewhere for whatever reason, I end up getting nervous. If I get nervous, I get fidgety. Fidgety has started to translate into "scratching one specific square inch on the back of my left hand", which means I now have a red scratchy mess there, because I also do it before job interviews when I get nervous, or at school if I'm not typing notes or doing a lab.

That's a problem if I need to go do something, which happens often enough, because being home all the damn time sucks. So I go somewhere. And it only helps because I'm not home, but then it sucks because I'm in public, surrounded by people.

Talk about a catch-22.
noblescientist: (Ciel Phantomhive)
Well, I'm glad I didn't get my hopes up.

Counsellor #1 was cool. Seeing her again Tuesday. Sounds like she'll actually help if I can convince her it's not a phase and all that bullshit that I'm sick of having to explain by now.

However.

GameStop interview. Went pretty well, and then suddenly, by the way, you can't have facial piercings.
You can't just ask me to take this out. It was expensive. It's still healing. Not only that, but dammit, I have had to try to save this thing four different fucking times, because I was elbowed in the face, had a hat shoved down over my face, a hood caught on it, AND I had a blister or something on it not more than two weeks ago. FUCK you, I am not taking this thing out. It is a part of who I am, dammit, and NOBODY is taking away one of the only things in my life that I can control.

Counsellor #2. Set me up for psychological testing Thursday. Got a call from a lady counsellor after I left (while I was cutting up broccoli for dinner) and she agreed with my original assessment that it'd be pointless for me to see two counsellors (even if there's a psychologist and a psychiatrist).
This is me not looking forward to Thursday.

There was a reason I was afraid to be optimistic. I hate it when I'm right.

WHAT.

Mar. 20th, 2013 11:11 pm
noblescientist: (corgi)
So tomorrow might actually be a good thing. A couple of times.

I have an appointment with a counsellor that might actually help me start my transition instead of being an ignorant douchenozzle or a disbelieving oppressive twatberry cuntcake like the last two.

Then I have an interview with GameStop. And it's right the hell around the corner, and my best friend worked there until a few days ago, and talked me up to the people that count, and//or, the people that would listen.

And then because my doctor wanted me to see someone else off a specific list, I also have another appointment with a counsellor for my depression. (I'm calling them both counsellors because I always screw up "psychologist" vs "psychiatrist".)

I'm a little afraid to be optimistic.
noblescientist: (FFVII)
This is just a fucking cacophony of badness.

Bronchitis has been kicking my ass for a week and a half. My headaches are getting out of control. And my lungs hurt.

One of my friends has just stopped trying.
Another has decided that "now that [I'm] Jim" I'm different. Fuck you, I never was who you thought I was, and apparently you weren't either.
Another friend is moving closer to our other friends, and I might not be able to see her or make it to the RP without her.
I have no other local friends.

The Effexor isn't working. The prednisone made it worse. It's still not getting better.

I haven't been able to get in touch with a counsellor.

I can't do this.
noblescientist: (Erik)
I can't right now.

Erebus is back and my muses are hiding and I'm just falling into a pit.

I know I've done some useful things lately-- I know the first few steps on my college path, I've signed up for this semester's classes, I have a possible therapist to call, I have new friends, I have a new mini-laptop from Kelsey (on which I am typing)... and I'm still in a fucking pit.

This is just my head, too. Nothing to do with my body.

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