noblescientist: (FFVII)
This is just a fucking cacophony of badness.

Bronchitis has been kicking my ass for a week and a half. My headaches are getting out of control. And my lungs hurt.

One of my friends has just stopped trying.
Another has decided that "now that [I'm] Jim" I'm different. Fuck you, I never was who you thought I was, and apparently you weren't either.
Another friend is moving closer to our other friends, and I might not be able to see her or make it to the RP without her.
I have no other local friends.

The Effexor isn't working. The prednisone made it worse. It's still not getting better.

I haven't been able to get in touch with a counsellor.

I can't do this.


Jan. 11th, 2012 01:15 pm
noblescientist: (Sherlock Holmes)
Well, I'm back from that appointment with my counsellor.

Contrary to what seems to be my father's belief, she doesn't think I'm a sociopath. I didn't really either, but I think I wanted to believe it on some level because it might explain part of this incessant boredom.
She does seem to think it's likely that I have some sort of personality disorder, but not that one.

Speaking of which.
She agrees with both my assessment that it's not depression, and that it's connected to my lack of sleep.

This appointment didn't really help much, but I didn't really expect it to. Next one's a week from today, 10:45. Let's hope I've slept before that one, it's around the time I tend to crash if I haven't.
noblescientist: (KEEP CALM)
You know something's wrong when you feel better after becoming annoyed, just because it's a change of pace from just being bored. (I'm still bored, but at least I have something to rant about for the time being.)

I will never understand drinkers.

And I don't mean alcoholics, necessarily, but the ones that get so plastered every once in a while that if they spread out their intake they would probably qualify anyway. I legitimately do not understand, and what annoys me is that I have nobody to ask about it, because both of my parents are alcoholics and would probably take it as an insult.

I understand smoking. One of many reasons I wish I didn't have asthma-- which makes me cough like a bloody smoker anyway-- is that the one time I did smoke a cigarette or two, I legitimately enjoyed it. (I'm this close to just saying "fuck it" and taking up those Camel No 9s anyway-- they were oddly pleasant. Definitely a chick cigarette, but they're pleasant to smell, to inhale. And, best of all, even with the asthma, they didn't make me choke. Outdoors, smoking, and my lungs felt like they worked better.)
Besides that, nicotine can be both a relaxant and a stimulant. (Which may explain why my lungs felt better; relax the muscles, I breathe better.)

Alcohol, on the other hand, is a depressant. With the exception of flavoured drinks, which tend to have very low alcohol content, the smell is unpleasant, and the taste is worse. If it's something you have to "get used to," why do it? Particularly since its nature as a depressant lowers inhibitions. So you could be lashing out angrily at things, acting like a spoilt child who was denied candy, or dancing around like a slutty idiot. (Or maybe, if you're really lucky, it'll just make you goofy.)

Why do people drink? Worse yet, why do they drink in public?

I admit I enjoy Smirnoff Twisters-- which I believe are now called Smirnoff Ice-- but I don't intend to drink them anywhere but home, and they taste like soda. I have never seen any mixed drinks that turned out not smelling and tasting of strong alcohol (which, to me, is disgusting).

So it doesn't taste good. It turns you into an idiot, usually in public. It renders you incapable of driving. It slows you down.
Why in blazes would anybody want to do this to themselves? Particularly in public?

Please, somebody explain this to me. I don't get it. I probably won't anyway, but it's worth a try.

Oh yes, and for those of you that care, I have an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. So she can tell me what the hell's wrong with my head and why it won't ever shut up.
(That, of course, is not to say that I want it to shut up permanently, or even for any real length of time-- just enough so I can get some good sleep.)
noblescientist: (fuck)
I think I've already mentioned my pervading boredom...

It's been a week and a half and nothing has seemed like more than a distraction to me.

This is what I get for taking a class that turned me into more of a keyboard snob than I already am. (My keyboard always sounded rather mediocre to me-- now that I've heard moderately good ones, and gotten used to playing on them, it just sounds bad.)
So now I can't turn to playing my keyboard, because it ends with me being more frustrated than before at how bad it is, on top of how bored I am.

I tried to get out a new game earlier-- that is, a game I bought a year or so ago and never got around to playing. Pulled out Gin, my PS2, who has been living in the cabinet under the telly, and tried to go for Final Fantasy XII, one of the only games that I can play for hours without getting frustrated at some point or another. Decided I didn't want to play that one, because as fun as it is, and as frustrating as it isn't, it's not new. I wanted new.
Pull out Final Fantasy X-2. I had been waiting to beat Final Fantasy X before I played X-2, and I tried to play some of X, but got bored with that after one encounter. (Doubt I'll be finishing it; Tidus annoys me and it has long since ceased to be challenging or interesting. I'll probably look up the last several cutscenes on-line.)
So out came X-2, the "new" one. Got in half an hour's worth of play time before having to give up the telly to the 'rents for a Hawaii Five-O rerun, but it gave me the chance to get used to the controls and everything.

And while I find myself wanting to pick it back up, it's more for distraction than because I found it enjoyable.

I like writing. I always enjoy writing. My writing has been the only thing keeping me from going stark-raving mad in the past several days.

And, oh, by the way, of the last ten days, I've missed two full nights of sleep, and several have been half-nights or poor sleep. This will make the third full night of no sleep since the new year, and we're ten days into 2012. WTF, brain.

I've also determined that how bored I am seems to relate to my sleeplessness-- notice I did not say insomnia; that's a different problem entirely, which I also have sometimes-- because the less focussed my head is, the more trouble I have making it all shut up. And then I can't sleep, or worse, I just don't get tired.

I've been partially occupying my boredom with Seth's tumblr. ([ profile] makokitten's Sherlock. He's pretty brilliant at it.) It contains plenty of Sherlock gifs, which I've stolen, and lots of speculations and discussions and things which I find... distracting, for lack of a better term, and occasionally interesting.

Another thing I've been thinking a lot about-- because really, what haven't I been thinking a lot about?-- is my father's comment when I shared that lulzy quiz result. Or at least, I thought it was lulzy. "High-functioning sociopath."
He then told me, deadpan, that I have sociopathic tendencies. I laughed, which in retrospect, was probably not a very appropriate reaction.
And then I thought about how I led Mark on, basically for a free Sprite. A couple of years ago, acting like that would have horrified me. Now I don't care so much. In conjunction with the "sociopathic tendencies" comment, it kind of makes me wonder.
(And I also wonder if that wasn't his real reason for telling me to go see my counsellor. Because I honestly think he thinks I'm a sociopath-- which really probably shouldn't be funny, but for some reason it tickles me. I'll probably call tomorrow anyway; this lack of sleep thing isn't really healthy.)


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